The Author almost manages to save the captured Lilliputians, but for the debauchery at Sadler’s Wells; Lemuel’s daily report turns into another Top Secret revealed, that of the LOL’s; Along with the shock and awe, come also friendship and fraternal Love.
Newgate Street, Wednesday the 5th of September, 1703
Audacious public enjoying each other, more than the show.
Artist: Thomas Rowlandson (1756-1827)
Mary bumps into James Miles, the new director of Sadlers Wells.
General Reldresal gets his daily report
Alan Parker points out that till now we have Endian Wars, in our Date Indicating Systems:
If you write date starting with the year, you're a Big Endian.
Starting with the day makes you Little Endian.
To make matters worse, in the U.S. they start with the months, Which makes them Middle Endians.It doesn't help Standing Rock much.
A flash-back to what has transpired so far.
Only one of these men is a LOL. But who?
Artist: Unknown, too.
Back at Stella’s home. Here, at my childhood home in Newgate Street, I feel I can purify myself from the filth of Sadler’s Wells.
If the Water were ever ferruginous, they were nowhere to be found. The only available liquid was Beer and Liquor, with lamentable evidence of their effects all over the gardens. And I remember so vividly how, back in my youth, the Water was recommended as useful in removing obstructions in the system, and purifying the blood!
No, I am not sorry I went there. I am not even sorry to have spent the six pence entry fee for James, my chaperone nephew, and myself.
Even though I was shocked by the folk, and even though I missed the poor Lilliputians by a day.
Poor James. I dragged him all over the gardens (which are still lovely, that is true,) inventing reasons for my eagerness to see every corner of Islington. Finally, when he told me that his Breeches had a motion, and he retired to the Jakes,
I used this opportunity to quickly rush into that imposing building, Sadler’s Wells. By luck, I directly encountered Mr. James Miles, the new Manager.
Was Mr. Miles ever so disappointed I was not in need of work, and therefore would not make love to him!
When I asked him, ever so urgently, where could I see the "Iliputians", he told me curtly that Captain Biddel left that same morning. Mr. Miles added that Captain Biddel’s show is that much better than the one Mr. Gulliver was paddling over a year ago, seeing all the tricks the Lilliputian humans could perform...
I almost felt insulted for my Lemuel!
But my spirits rose when Mr. Miles told me that Biddel took his show in haste, to make it in time for the Thursday fair in Northampton.
Where my second husband awaits me! Is life not stranger than any fiction?
Well, now I am ready to take the long road to meet my new master, if it means I might be able to save Lemuel’s little friends.
James will chaperone me there tomorrow morning. (Stella was so surprised I was suddenly so eager to go…!)
I cannot sleep.
I am so thrilled and excited. I better continue writing what happened to Lemuel in Lilliput, three years ago:
THAT evening, when General Reldresal came to get his daily report, Lemuel was very careful not to mention the ‘Top Secret’ (of which he knew nothing yet, anyway) or the new mission he was ordered to complete for Bolgolam.
Lemuel sensed that the General was behaving somewhat apprehensively, but he could not ascertain if it was because he, Gulliver, was behaving strangely, by trying to behave normally, or was the General really suspecting something? Was the palm of his hand, on which the General was standing eye to eye with Lemuel, sweating? Was it shaking, perhaps?
Lemuel noticed that Reldresal was a bit anxious, shuffling his legs on Lemuel’s palm. He seemed a bit pale. Concerned, Lemuel asked Reldresal if he felt unwell, or if he had a sudden bout of vertigo. Would he that Lemuel placed him back on the ground?
Reldresal declined the offer, and coughed as he stated: “Well, Man-Mountain, you had a private audience with Our Emperor today.”
Was he jealous?
Lemuel could not tell. But of course, it was impossible to deny the fact that Lemuel did visit the Palace today and that nobody was allowed nearby. Still, Lemuel could not help suspecting that something else here was at stake, especially when he remembered so vividly that Bolgolam was just as anxious to hear all about the meeting with the Emperor.
“Could you follow Our Emperor’s Lilliputian well? Were there many new words you did not understand?”
Was that an innocent question, or a trap?
Lemuel was very careful. “It was quite basic. I reported to him on my survey of the Lilliputian Empire. You know, according to the contract...”
“Oh,” said the General “This is very good. But are you sure of your findings? Perhaps you should check them again?”
Why did they all doubt his professionalism? “I am a qualified surveyor, you know, General Reldresal, I had occasion to practice this in my numerous travels!”
“No offence,” Said the General, “But pray, tell me: In the course of your survey, did you see anything suspicious?”
Lemuel was sure that all this has already happened to him before, and more than once. “No,” he said, somewhat irritable “It is the usual landscape, only smaller than what I am used to.”
“Of course” the General reassured him amiably “But did you see people hiding? Crossing by boats to Blefuscu at night, suchlike?”
Now Lemuel was truly alarmed: these were the exact questions the Emperor and Bolgolam have posed to him. What could be behind these interrogations?
Cautiously, he answered: “No, I did not see anything. If they were hiding, how could I have seen them? And, I conducted my survey during the day, of course.”
“Of course,” The General was indeed behaving strangely. “You see,” He went on to explain to Lemuel “We have many enemies, and it is hard to tell who they are.”
“Are you referring to the Slamecksan..?”
“Those too, but the Blefuscudians are even worse.”
“Why? What did they do?”
“Oh, Man-Mountain, you still have much to learn about us. It all began upon the grave controversy of breaking eggs –“
“Oh, that” said Lemuel, relived. “I heard all about that, from Admiral Bolgolam, and –“
“Oh, him” Lemuel could not help feeling that Reldresal was mocking him. “If you have heard all about that from Admiral Bolgolam, you have not heard anything, yet. Our Admiral tends to confuse facts with truth.
"He might have told you about the Opposing Sides of the Egg, and about the Holy Wars that plagued us, but I do not think he is ever aware of the dangers that the monarch of Blefuscu is posing for us. I myself have my private doubts, if the monarch of Blefuscu is our enemy, or if our enemy is within.
"What we do know for sure is that there is much activity on the other side of the channel, and we all share the fear of imminent invasion. Rumours are that they have now equipped a numerous fleet, and are just preparing to make a descent upon us; and his Imperial Majesty, placing great confidence in your valour and strength, has commanded me to lay this account of affairs before you, and to command you to your duty, to defend our Lilliput with your body and soul.”
Reldresal took a deep breath and Lemuel desired him to present his humble duty to the Emperor; and to let the Emperor know, that he was ready to defend His Person and State against all invaders.
On a second thought, Lemuel added “that should not be too dangerous, or would it..?”
“For you, Man-Mountain, defending Lilliput would not only be easy, but also holy. After all, we gave you shelter, we gave you food, we gave you the Lovers! Surely, you are now one of us. You share our Values, our High morals, our Life and Death.”
That was a fine little speech, but Lemuel did not feel he was willing to share his Death with anyone, not just yet.
“Are you sure, Reldresal, that all this is strictly necessary?”
“The mere existence of Lilliput is at stake! You cannot desert us at this heroic hour! Not after all I did for you!”
“Sure, sure. What is it you want me to do?”
“Nothing” was the surprising response of Reldresal “I only want to recruit you to our Army, under my command. You will get brand new uniforms (though it will take some months before the outfit will be ready.) You will get your weapons back, after Shumclum, our High Priest will sanctified them, and you will get free board and food.”
“I know, I know, you already get these. But you will not have to perform matrimonial duties for other men anymore.”
“I will not?” Lemuel was not sure it was a fair deal.
“You will not have to.” Hastened Reldresal to explain “but you could continue, if you wished, and you will be paid for it. Only that the money will be forwarded to the Emperor, who is, after all, the owner of the Army and as such, the owner of you.”
Lemuel could not care less who will get the money, as long as he could get his nightly Lilliputian bliss.
“That is alright” he assented, and was soon to regret his words.
“Splendid!” Exclaimed Reldresal “So I now pronounce you a Soldier of The Lilliputian Holy Army!”
“You do? But..?”
“You are a Hero, my dear man-Mountain. You are a brave soldier and the most loyal person I ever encountered. You can and you should be proud of yourself, and of your new Position!”
Despite himself, Lemuel did feel a tiny swell of pride rising in his breast.
“But what.. what about the SHINBET?”
“I will now confide in you the Top Secret,” said Reldresal, and Lemuel’s ears pricked up. Was he about to hear, at long last, what the Emperor was trying to convey? He was only disappointed that, since the top Secret was about to be revealed then and there, he would not have another opportunity, tomorrow, to see the Empress again.
“As the head of the SHINBET, you are to become the Emperor’s Weapon of Massive Distraction!” announced Reldresal proudly.
“Oh, that sounds.. ominous..”
“It is! It is awesome!”
“And.. Is it very dangerous? I mean, for me?”
“For you, not at all!” Reldresal seemed to understand Lemuel’s fears. “Your task, as the Emperor’s Weapon of Mass Distraction will be to swim all the way to Blefuscu, rise out of the water with a terrifying scream, and trot through the streets of Blefuscu, the capital of Blefuscu, stampeding all Blefuscudian creatures (though trying to avoid cattle and other valuable properties.)”
Lemuel could only grimace his disgust.
“Oh, do not worry, Man-Mountain, we will all be behind you, following you in our war-ships, and we will slaughter every living soul that would survive the Weapon of Massive Distraction! You, brave Man-Mountain, will lead the invasion and together we will conquer and annihilate Blefuscu!”
And Reldresal proceeded to entreat Lemuel to prove his vigour and bravery by annihilating the Blefuscudian nation:
“You are our greatest ally,” said Reldresal “The Emperor saw fit to give you the SHINBET, to enlist you to his glorious army. Now you could defend Lilliput to the Heroic End!”
Reldresal drew his small frame and declared that, had he been bestowed with the size of the Man-Mountain, he would willingly risk his life for the glory of his Emperor and the Holy Lilliputian Blundrecal, which clearly instructs all believers to believe, and therefore, to obey.
He quickly added that obviously, Lemuel was also bound by the Lilliputian Blundrecal, as he was a Lilliputian resident, holding an official stay-permit.
All these arguments being indisputable, Lemuel solemnly promised to obey his Emperor’s commands, and to annihilate the Blefuscudians as soon as possible.
I can well imagine the emotional turmoil that my Lemuel experienced then. Away from home, not knowing when - and if at all – he would ever see again any human being of a proper size and stature; having spent almost two years under the influence of the Lilliputian perceptions of the world, my poor husband’s mind was turned and tossed, was infused with ideas he had never thought of before, excreting out of his mind notions, of which he has always been so sure.
So my poor husband became a Lilliputian Soldier and conceded to annihilate the Blefuscudian nation.
“May I have another word with you, Man-Mountain?”
“But of course,” said my good man.
“I do not want you to think I am a bad Lilliputian, or a Blundrecal Heretic.”
“Of course you are not,” exclaimed Lemuel, bewildered.
“Hear me out,” beseeched Reldresal, “and when you have heard my full, tragic story, perhaps you will find it in your heart to understand me and perchance to accommodate my desires.”
And thus Reldresal began the sad tale of the LOL, the “Lilliputian Outlawed Lust.”
As far back in time as the Lilliputian memory could go, there had always been Lilliputian men, who could not possibly satisfy any Lilliputian woman.
In the far ages of time, tells the Holy Blundrecal, such men were grouping together, forming colonies of men only, and thus cursed to extinction. Lilliputian schools teach the children that the LOLs were lost in the folds of history.
But ever so often a Lilliputian man grows up to discover that he cannot help it, he too, is a LOL. Such men are bound to a very tragic existence, should they be discovered. They do not marry, they have no children, they are a shame to their Emperor.
“Are you a LOL?” asked Lemuel, curious.
“Not so loud, if you please!” cried Reldresal.
“And..?” ventured Lemuel, hesitantly.
“And I am the only one in Lilliput, since my dear, dear Deputy Principal Secretary Of Private Affairs, Laserdler, was lost at sea, fighting the cursed Blefuscudians.”
And at that Reldresal fell to his knees on Lemuel’s palm, and burst out in bitter tears.
My Lemuel stretched his left arm and closed all the curtains of all the windows.
Darkness fell in the room.
Lemuel brought Reldresal closer to his face, and whispering as softly as he could, he said: “Do not worry, dear Reldresal, your secret is safe with me. I know how it feels, to be a man among men only, and to relish men’s desires.”
(Yes, I knew of the sailors’ love, but I personally thought it unwise of my Lemuel to tell it to Reldresal. After all, buggery is a crime here in England!)
Reldresal sniffled still, dubbed his eyes with his tiny handkerchief and asked: “Do you desire me too, oh Man-Mountain?”
“Please, call me Man” said my generous Lemuel.
“Oh, Man” gasped Reldresal.
“Of course,” said Lemuel reassuringly. “I desired men before, but never did I desire a man of your grandeur. ”
“May I get a good look at you, Man?” asked Reldresal.
“Of course” said Lemuel,” but only if I can have a good look at you, too.”
“Oh, gladly, so gladly!” said Reldresal and undressed himself right away, still standing on Lemuel’s palm. Upon which Lemuel beheld the finest male creature he had ever seen. For Reldresal’s skin was as fine and smooth as ever he saw, his tiny Yard already proudly swollen, with a hint of soft curls surrounding it. A roundish tiny bag was delicately hanging between his strong, little legs.
Lemuel was greatly impressed with the relative hugeness of Reldresal’s Yard, compared to his diminutive size. While Europeans’ Yards are between one tenth to one sixth of a male’s body (in very extreme instances), it turned out that the Lilliputians’ ratio was one sixth to one third of their body! (which accounted, Lemuel thought, for the eager state of Lilliputian women.)
Tenderly, Lemuel proceeded to caress Reldresal’s skin with the tip of his left hand’s index finger. As Reldresal’s eyes rolled Lemuel stuck out his tongue and gently rolled it from the bottom of the General’s quivering Yard to its top, rolling his tongue around it, and amazed to see it growing even more.
“Stop it, please!” cried Reldresal all of a sudden. “I want to ravish you, too!”
And while Reldresal was catching his breath, after Lemuel placed him gently on the floor, he watched in awe as Lemuel removed his breeches.
“Ah,” gasped Reldresal. “Are you not so savagely ugly. You make a truly beautiful picture. I care not, I mind not. Having seen you, being about to penetrate you, I can soon die as the happiest of LOLs”.
Having fully undressed himself, Lemuel set on the floor with his legs parted.
Smiling tenderly he watched how Reldresal ran under his knee and how he halted, with his hands on his hips, in front of Lemuel’s Yard (which was only just beginning to grow.)
“Dear, dear” said the General “Your skin appears much fairer and smoother when I look at you from afar, than it does upon a nearer view such as now. But oh, these great holes in your skin are ever so attractive! The stumps of your cruel bush are ten times stronger than the bristles of a boar. I resolve to name you ‘My Little Huggy Haggy Boar’, if you do not mind.”
With this announcement he proceeded towards Lemuel’s Bollocks, which rested limply on the ground, and, caressing and hugging them, the General hid his face among the folds, sniffing and sighing all the while, in a manner very pleasing for Lemuel, too. He soon felt little feet climb on top of his Bollocks, little hands pulling at his full bush, as Reldresal climbed up towards Lemuel’s proud Yard.
“This is too much,” heaved Reldresal “Let me ram you now, my Little Huggy Haggy Boar!” and he slid diligently down Lemuel’s groin, while Lemuel, indulgingly, leaned further back on his elbows.
Spreading his legs as much as the space in the Temple allowed him, he felt his Bollocks being shoved, pushed and heaved up for some time and then he heard the muffled voice:
“Will you help me, my Little Huggy Haggy Boar? I have no access..!”
So Lemuel brought his right hand forward, scooped up his Bollocks and felt Reldresal’s little hardened Yard sharply tickling his Arse, while the little hands clung to hairs in his rear, with all their might.
Reldresal was lost to his lust and unable to control himself anymore, he pushed his whole leg up Lemuel’s rear, while ramming his Sting at the soft, slightly wet skin of Lemuel’s Arse.
Lemuel spit into his hand and was caressing his own machine vigorously, while trying not to crush his new little lover, when he suddenly felt a warm liquid pouring over his Arse, in several gushes.
Apparently, as tiny as the Lilliputian was, his love juice came in huge quantities.
Sighing deeply, Reldresal appeared from behind Lemuel’s soft sac, and shuddering with pleasure he announced: “This was the happiest day of my life” He dressed up swiftly and asked that Lemuel would lie on his belly, so Lemuel’s chin would be on the ground.
Reldresal then walked towards Lemuel’s face, and clasping Lemuel’s cheeks with his hands, planted a long, wet kiss on Lemuel’s lips. “You will not tell anyone about us, of course? I suspect the Emperor is a LOL too, and I want to keep you all to myself!”
He then opened the gate carefully, mounted on his white horse, and galloped away.